in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
