Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
