My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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