Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
