wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
