tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
