Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dicks are not precious.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
