He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
