Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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