I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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