You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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