I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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