I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
