Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
