saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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