Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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