Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
