You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
