It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
