By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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