My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
