i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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