is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
