Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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