I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
