Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
