thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
