she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
