I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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