I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
