Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you traded sex for a burrito?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
