I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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