I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
