I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
