the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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