i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
