Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i may or may not be watching the land before time
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
