You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
