It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
