I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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