Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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