Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
