i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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