Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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