What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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