Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
