I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
