My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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