My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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