Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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