If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
