i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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