Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
