I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
